You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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