I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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