My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
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