that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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