Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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