he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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