I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
They are going to name an STD after you.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
