I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
