Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
