I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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