My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I think i got beer on your cat.
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