Cold hands, warm shart.
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
