i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
