If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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