You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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