My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
