The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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