I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
