You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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