so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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