Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
