That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Randomize
