My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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