So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
