I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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