Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
She even gives head with a lisp.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
