someone owes me an orgasm
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Drunk is not a location!
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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