I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
