You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
