At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
