a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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