went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
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i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
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I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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