You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
