Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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