Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Randomize
