I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
