I love black thongs
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
