It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
