yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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