Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
