my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
