you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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