two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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