The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
