I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Randomize
