Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
