I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
