If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
