He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
What a dumb baby whore.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
