the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
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you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
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Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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