now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
