it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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