i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
