A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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